Tuesday, March 6, 2012

fighting the feelings

I'm in the process of switching my blog to a new host/format, so my posts have been a bit sporadic. I've had plenty to write about though. I have thoughts and emotions swirling in my brain, but part of me is blocking them, I don't have time for them.

For the most part I feel like myself, but at the same time I'm keeping sad feelings at bay.  When I wake up in the morning, I don't really like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I've put on some pounds, I know exactly how many, and it's annoying me. When I look back on my weight loss challenge posts from this time last year, I don't know what the heck I was complaining about.

Each day I do everything I can to keep things in order, with the kids, and especially for Mike. He has had a rough time with his parents. A couple of years ago his Mom battled breast cancer. She is okay now, but then his Dad had his stroke, which came out of the blue. Mike is making strides with quitting smoking, but he's under a great deal of stress, between family and work. I'm there to rub his back when he cries, and tell him that I know everything is going to be okay.

I don't cry. But I did yesterday when I went to get a Handicap Parking permit for my mother in law's car. I took the application into the town office, and the clerk asked me if my father in law was going to be driving because she needed a copy of his license. I was confused for a second, and I looked down at the words written on the application, and read them aloud to her, that he has quadriplegia due to a stroke. Then she told me she lost her mother to a stroke.

That was fun.

I try to visit my father in law when I can, although it's hard to go because of the kids schedules, and his rehab schedule. When I do go, my heart always sinks when I go through a door that reads "Brain Injury Unit."

The kids haven't seen Grandpa since November, and they talk about him all the time. They understand that he is sick, and that he has a hard time moving, but that is it.  They'll be seeing him soon once they move to their apartment, we're preparing them for what it's going to be like. That he looks the same, but he won't be able to really hug them, but they can give him a kiss. The other night we looked through family photos for Luke's school project, and found one of Grandpa sitting by the lake, smiling away.

I need to run more. I've been running four days a week, I did nine on Saturday in the blustery winds, training for my half marathon that is five weeks away. It was a great run, but I'm afraid that if I run more I'll injure myself before my race.  I think I have to suck it up and just do it.

Running is good therapy.

22 comments:

Wells L said...

Hugs friend! That's A LOT on your plate (and your husband's). You are all in my prayers daily and will continue to be.

I think 4 days a running is plenty - especially to reduce injury risk. You'll be great for your half in 5 weeks (you did 9 for your last long run?- yeah, you've got this!)

Pounds are just pounds - don't fret friend. Luckily they aren't forever. When things settle down a bit, I'd be game for another round of your challenge. I'm pretty sucky at loosing weight, but I'm trying!

Hang in there. Do you journal? Might be a great way to deal with the stress at least temporarily. Just a thought.

Hugs!

Laura said...

I can totally relate as I have had a lot of struggles with my parents and I worry constantly about them and their health. I am really trying to be into the time I have just for me specifically when I am running to focus on the good, the positive and the ME. It is the only thing that keeps me sane at time.
Hang in!!

BabyWeightMyFatAss said...

Lot's of hugs and prayers.

Evolving Through Running said...

Running is about the only therapy that really clears my head. Sorry that you're going through a down period - hopefully things will get better soon.

Pam said...

Oh Molly I'm so sorry your family is going through so much right now. Lots of love and prayers for everyone.

Pam said...

Oh Molly I'm so sorry your family is going through so much right now. Lots of love and prayers for everyone.

fancy nancy said...

Oh Molly I wish I could give you a huge hug! You're family has so much going on right now! My grandmother had a massive stroke when I was younger. She lived with us and it was so hard to see her like that. Prayers for you and your family!!

giraffy said...

I'm sorry things are so tough :(.

Thinking of you and your family. Hugs.

Suz and Allan said...

Thoughts and prayers for you Molly!

misszippy said...

Sorry to hear you sounding this way. I completely get it. Just lost my BIL to cancer and my mom has it too. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. And in your case--you are trying to hold it together for Mike. Sometimes you just have to let go and express those feelings--on your blog, to friends, wherever you can, to lift the heaviness.

Hugs!

MCM Mama said...

I'm sorry! Family health issues are always tough.

And I totally chose to move my blog at the most inconvenient time too, so I can totally understand your issues with not having time to actually blog vs. really needing to blog.

{{HUGS}}

Pining for Pinterest said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time! Thinking of you and hoping things will turn around for you soon! I understand how you feel!

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Thoughts and prayers during this time for strength

Tara said...

Hugs sweetie. Thinking of you and your family, there is nothing quite like the stress of worrying over a family member's health.

SupermomE12 said...

Molly,
I am sorry things have been so hard for you lately, and stressful for your family. I hope you are able to find time for your running therapy - I know it helps me when nothing else does. Hugs my friend!

NY Wolve said...

Sorry to hear of the struggles. I hope running brings you solace, and the joy of your family makes the darker days better.

*~*~* Tracy said...

I'm so sorry things are weighing so heavily right now. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

ajh said...

Take care of yourself! Sorry things are tough right now.

Lisa said...

My heart goes out to all of you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much. Hopefully you're able to find some comfort in your runs and your family. When things are tough, I make sure those closest to me know how much I love them and appreciate them. I think that's the most important thing we can do. And it sounds like that's what you're doing.
Take care Molly.

Jill said...

Oh girl, I so understand! My mom died from lung cancer when I was 25 and my dad from a heart attach 8 years ago. My kids will come to a point in their lives when they won't really remember my dad since they were so young when we lost him. It sucks! It's the sucky part of life, huh?

Big hugs to you, Molly!! Hang in there. Yes, running DOES help!!

runforwine.net said...

I'm so sorry your feeling the pressure of life upon you right now. As trite as it sounds though, things will get better. It's the ebb and flow. You are a wonderful mother, wife, daughter-in-law, friend, and woman. Do what you can and the rest will work itself out.

I wish I was there to give you big hug and fill up your glass of wine for you! xoxox Hang in there girl!

Christi said...

I am sending you lots of virtual hugs and not just to you but to your entire family!

((Hugs))