fighting the feelings

I'm in the process of switching my blog to a new host/format, so my posts have been a bit sporadic. I've had plenty to write about though. I have thoughts and emotions swirling in my brain, but part of me is blocking them, I don't have time for them.

For the most part I feel like myself, but at the same time I'm keeping sad feelings at bay.  When I wake up in the morning, I don't really like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I've put on some pounds, I know exactly how many, and it's annoying me. When I look back on my weight loss challenge posts from this time last year, I don't know what the heck I was complaining about.

Each day I do everything I can to keep things in order, with the kids, and especially for Mike. He has had a rough time with his parents. A couple of years ago his Mom battled breast cancer. She is okay now, but then his Dad had his stroke, which came out of the blue. Mike is making strides with quitting smoking, but he's under a great deal of stress, between family and work. I'm there to rub his back when he cries, and tell him that I know everything is going to be okay.

I don't cry. But I did yesterday when I went to get a Handicap Parking permit for my mother in law's car. I took the application into the town office, and the clerk asked me if my father in law was going to be driving because she needed a copy of his license. I was confused for a second, and I looked down at the words written on the application, and read them aloud to her, that he has quadriplegia due to a stroke. Then she told me she lost her mother to a stroke.

That was fun.

I try to visit my father in law when I can, although it's hard to go because of the kids schedules, and his rehab schedule. When I do go, my heart always sinks when I go through a door that reads "Brain Injury Unit."

The kids haven't seen Grandpa since November, and they talk about him all the time. They understand that he is sick, and that he has a hard time moving, but that is it.  They'll be seeing him soon once they move to their apartment, we're preparing them for what it's going to be like. That he looks the same, but he won't be able to really hug them, but they can give him a kiss. The other night we looked through family photos for Luke's school project, and found one of Grandpa sitting by the lake, smiling away.

I need to run more. I've been running four days a week, I did nine on Saturday in the blustery winds, training for my half marathon that is five weeks away. It was a great run, but I'm afraid that if I run more I'll injure myself before my race.  I think I have to suck it up and just do it.

Running is good therapy.